GOOD-WILL-HUNTINGS

By Zeeshan Muzaffar and Ali Suleman

Dear Sameera Latif,

Man, I can't see the sadness on your face when each week you flip through Us magazine and don't find your name in print. So I thought of making you famous this way. Now do you love me?

Guess who!

Hi fourth floor babe,

I look at you with my binoculars from the adjoining building each day. You never keep the blinds drawn! But you look great in black. ;)

Yours, X

Dear Maham,

I am among the guys who stare at you in university library while you read Us mag. Please look at your right table and just wave once. Well, you can do this, at least, can't you? And I don't mind flying kisses too!

Cool guy 4 u

Dear Linardo the Capri,

How did you sink in TITANIC for that 'moti'? (I just hate her). Didn't you feel wo kitni tez larki thi? Even in her old age she wore make-up. She likely had 1001 boyfriends after you. You look my English is not good, but I am loyal as I am a mashriki larki. *sigh*

Billo Rani

Dear SE (Sub-editor Us mag),

Each day I pray that you replace your immediate boss, your salary doubles and you appear in that Head&Shoulders advertisement replacing Shahid Afridi. Please edit and print this greeting so that I can keep on praying and ask others to do so too. Hamara naam bhi chhaapo na!

Yours, Shamshad ullah Anayat Khan Orakzai

Hey Aashi,

How is it going? I'm not fine, yar. My finger nail got broken yesterday, my new boyfriend ALSO gave me a coffee-mug as gift, my tailor stitched my shirt so loose, I can't lose more than 40 kgs after a month of dieting, my sis and I had a fight over the latest Enrique Iglesias poster and it got torn, just tragedies and tragedies all around. You tell what's happening in your life?

Natty

Dear Ali Hassan Hashmi,

So you dumped me. Ok..... folks, he used to wet his pants when he was young and still does so occasionally, he does not use a deodorant even in summers, his nose flows like the Niagara, he never carries a tissue paper and always asks for one from his girlfriends, he steals Ding Dong bubble from Amir Uncle's shop AND… he has been sending copied stuff to Us!!! Now you know, you *censored*... Hell hath no fury like a woman scorned!

Storm

Alaka zama friendi da,

Dagha da pakh-pala zambooray kaana raura pista mara!

Almost Khan

Dear Tania,

You don't know me but I know you from this 'Greetings' page. I have been reading your greetings to that guy Fahad, and from them I have come to know that he has ditched you. Don't you worry, my dear, because there are people in this world who still love you… who care for you… So…wanna be frands???

Syed Sheikh Butt Cheema Baig Khan

Bulbul,

Sangay kana? You know, zama mobile kharab day! Zaka za taa sara dassi khabari kom… Anyway, sa rang day haal da… sa ka wa? Oh and by the way, do you understand Pashto???

Bulbula

Hey Ed,

This is not a greeting, so don't publish it, okay? This is actually an attempt to make a Guinness Record by typing and sending a 60-word email with eyes closed, right hand in left pocket and left hand, through both legs, on the keyboard placed upside down, all in just 20 seconds. Do wish me luck!

K0ol Xomby

To all my classmates, Kaami, Rumi, Jaami, Shaami, Gaama, Chagga, Phatta, Bhagga, Gillu, Ballu, Pappu, Tipu, Cucu, Jaggu, Maani, Jaaji, Coco, Maja, Pappu, Raja, Alpha, Beta, Pheeka, Seetha, Bhola, Bhala, Gora, Kala, Basin, Choola, Langra, Loola, Andha, Kaana, Jana, Mana, Chaawal, Chola, Kala, Cola

Hi!

Syed Munfarid Raza Saleh Naqvi

Dear Sohni,

Your sister-in-law has replaced your pitcher with an unbaked one! Don't use that one tonight or you will drown! And since this Us 'Greetings' page is the fastest way of communication known to man, I hope you'll get this message in time… Oh, and was it really a fish you baked for me yesterday? I had a severe stomachache after I ate it!

Manhiwal

Dear Meera,

Wish you a very happy 16th Birthday! May you have many more, like seven hundred and eighty four!

Your die hard fan, Ajab Khan

Hey Shumaila,

I'm sending you a secret message via this 'Greetings' page so that this time your brother doesn't catch and confiscate it. Meet me outside Raju ki Hatti at Khabba Chowk, 6pm on Saturday. Shhh… don't tell anyone… this is a secret message.

Allah Rakha

Dear F,

I have been trying to say this but couldn't so I'm saying this through this greeting… I love you so, sooo, sooooooo much! And since you are the only person on the planet whose name starts with 'F' and since I'm the only human under the sun who is called 'B', I'm dead sure you'll understand…

Yours, B

Please do not send our messages to any other email address other than the one specified. This is because we just click on the emails at random. It is sort of a lucky draw, among the tons of emailed messages we receive, to help us keep our sanity. Messages of those who disagree with our policy will not be entertained! :p

[http://jang.com.pk/thenews/feb2009-weekly/us-13-02-2009/p5.htm#1]